I Choose Change

It seems that it's been such an interesting week (capped off by coming down with a fever and sore throat on Friday afternoon) that I haven't been able to actually set down any of what's been going on. All that cryptic, just hanging patiently there in the aether awaiting illumination! Sorry.

Anyway in case you don't already know (and I bet most of the 6 people reading this do), this past Monday I quit the job I have held for close to 5 years. I will be starting a new job on May 15th. A new job which is in an entirely different industry and which, while drawing on similar skills, will utilize those skills in a very different setting. For those of you paying attention (and if you haven't been I wouldn't blame you, given the general inconsistency of updates on this blog), this has been coming for quite some time: 6 months at least, and possibly more.

It is a giddy feeling, this leap of faith into an entirely different way to spend my days. I am quite proud of myself for having had the courage to leave the familiar (which, whatever its cons, had its pros as well) and try something entirely new. The last time I did this was when I left grad school over 10 years ago--but that time I left without a clear idea of where I'd go next, and I got to the place I did wind up going by coincidence (or I suppose I could say "by the design of the Universe", if you believe that kind of thing, which on any given day I'm not sure if I do or not) rather than by active choice. This time I made the choice to change my life, and I made it happen by myself. This change wasn't handed to me or forced upon me, it was an opening that I sought out and acted upon and decided was worth following up. I opened myself up to change and said "yes" instead of "I'm scared, so maybe not." I unstuck myself.

Now don't get me wrong, as much as there is pride and excitement, there is fear too: fear that I was wrong, that the new job won't be as good as I thought/hoped it would be. And grief, at losing all the familiar and pleasurable parts of the old job: good times with co-workers, a sense of competency and knowledge after having been in the same industry for almost a decade, spending my days in a neighborhood I adore (and which happened to be the same neighborhood where my mom spends her days, so that I got to see her all the time). They all mix together. That's what I was talking about with the whole oil in water thing.

Who knows what will happen when I start the new gig? I could find that the choice I made was the wrong one, and feel regret that I kicked over a good-enough gig for something not even good enough. Or I could find that the choice was a great one, and that my whole life changes for the positive. Or anywhere in between. Honestly I won't know until I've tried it for awhile, long enough to make a reasonable evaluation. And really, what's the worst thing that could happen? That I won't like it and I'll have to keep searching again for the next path, the next door. But that would be okay too.

For right now I will stay here in the limbo of not-knowing, and try to enjoy the sensation of gathering momentum, that moment before things get really fast, like when the roller coaster hauls you up, up, up, clanking and expectant, to the sky.